My Battle with Anxiety Part 2.

A few months back I posted about my struggle with anxiety and how it gets in the way of my photography (check that post out). I had a wedding coming up at the time, so I decided to journal my state of mind, my feelings, and my anxiety level as the event got closer. My hope was to review the journal afterwards and find ways to better manage my anxiety.

First, I have to tell you about how I ended up agreeing to do a wedding. Weddings are STRESSFUL!!! It’s the thought of doing a poor job and potentially ruining such an important day. The fear of being hated by the bride, the groom, their families, their pets, and everyone else in attendance is real!

In March, I got a message from my friend asking me if I would be able to come home in August to help photograph her wedding. She is an amazing dancer and dance teacher and before I left the island I worked with her quite a bit photographing her amazing CADA productions. My mental state at the time of her request was not great. It had been over 5 years since I was home, and between Covid, the winter cold, and being homesick I was just tired of everything. My friend’s request was the catalyst that got me endlessly searching for deals on tickets, and ultimately resulted in the kids and I going home to Tortola for 7 weeks.

Now, here is my dirty little secret. When my friend initially asked me to photograph the wedding, I said I wouldn’t be able to make it down, and that was the truth. However, when we were able to make arrangements to go home, I hesitated on letting my friend know. I waited almost a month and a half to tell her we were coming. I could easily cop out and say it was because I didn’t want to mention anything until I was absolutely certain there wasn’t going to be any cancellations. The shameful truth is I was hoping she would find another full time photographer to do the wedding before I came clean, so that the responsibility would be off my shoulders. Yes, Anxiety made me her bitch once again.

So here are the short entries I wrote down. A few of them were before I published my first anxiety post, but that’s because I was in the process of writing it when I started journaling.

July 26

I’m feeling good. The event is coming up and I’m feeling pretty confident; no stress. I’m going to do a quick refresher on using my flash since its been a while

July 28

Struggling a little today. I’ve forgotten to bring my flash from Canada 🤦🏾‍♀️. When I think about the wedding, I get that weird feeling at the back of my neck and the pit of my stomach. I’m trying to stay confident.

July 29

Feeling a bit better today. I’ve decided to borrow my sister’s camera and ask my daughter to come along to help, that way I am not stressing about being undermanned. My daughter is only 14, but she’s pretty awesome.

August 1

Feeling crappy and my mood is down. The anxiety is heavy on me. My sister’s camera isn’t working so what am I to do 🤔. I published my first anxiety blog post and I got to speak some of the issues off of my chest. I feel a little better.

August 2

Got some good advice on Facebook today in response to my anxiety post. Learned about imposter syndrome and was able to use some of the info to help myself. I have to remember to tell myself, “Things always work out!!!“ I’m making it my mantra.

August 3

I remembered that my eldest daughter brought her camera along, and my 14-year-old has agreed to help me out. My confidence is growing. Things always work out.

August 4

Spoke with the bride today about the wedding. It was really good to hear her voice and suddenly the anxiety was out the door. I’m actually feeling excited!! Things always work out.

August 8

Today is the day. Let’s Go!!! I’ve got my wing girl on backup and I’ve got a mental plan of what I want to get done, all my gear is packed, extra batteries and memory cards, and I’m ready. It’s gonna be great.

What I learned

Just so you know, everything did work out and it was a beautiful wedding. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. The chances that my friend hadn’t hired another photographer while I was hiding behind my fear, was a godsend, and I will have a post about it soon enough.

The first thing I noticed in my journal was my mood swings. I’ve always referred to my dips in mood as the pendulum swinging, so it’s funny because looking at my entries it seems to be exactly that. I’m good for a few and then I dip. Maybe it’s hormonal…. that’s something else I can look into.

The second thing I realized was that being prepared, or at least feeling prepared, was a huge factor in minimizing the stress for me. It’s hard for me to let go of perfectionism, but the nice thing about letting go is that I find myself feeling more prepared after doing less. I don’t stress as much over the super-fine details. I had a second camerawoman, I had a mental list of what had to be done, and I knew where and when to go to catch the boat, so I felt ready.

The third thing that helped with my anxiety was finally being comfortable with the event. The talk with my friend 2 days before the wedding changed my whole outlook. When she told me what she wanted, I was reminded of a factor that I overlooked; she knew me. She knew my style of photography, she knew what I excelled at, and suddenly my fear of disappointing her disappeared. All she wanted, and expected, was for me to be me, and that’s something I can do pretty well.

The last major thing that worked was self-reassurance. I was continually and constantly telling myself that I was gonna rock it, and that it was all going to work out. Every time the anxiety started rising, I pushed it down. I’m sure people probably saw me muttering my mantra to myself during the event, but that’s ok 😁.

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And that’s it, baby steps. I’m moving slowly and steadily, but I feel myself getting there. I had another photography session yesterday, and it was easier. The anxiety popped up and I squashed it every time it did. Don’t give up on yourself, if I can do it you can too. You can kick anxiety in the nuts shins if you just keep at it. Remember, things will always work out.