10 Days Left

What am I doing with myself today? What am I doing with my life? Those are the questions I find myself facing right this second as I sit here, three shots of rum in, on a lovely Saturday afternoon. I’m feeling a little stuck. What should I be doing, what should I be blogging about, should I be going somewhere? My head feels off.

I think my current mood is directly related to the fact that in 10 days we have to pack up and head back to Canada. I’m not dealing with this well. It’s not a, my vacation is done, boo hoo, I have to leave a beautiful island kind of vibe. It’s more of a, I have to leave this place where I feel comfortable and go back to a place where I feel like I just don’t belong, kind of situation. The biggest thing is I’ve got NO family in Canada, other than Jamie and my girls. There is Jamie’s family, and I love them, they are great, but it’s not the same. I think about it and I feel my soul descending into the dip; you know what I’m talking about, the dip where depression likes to hang out.

Jamie has said, we should just move back, but it’s not that simple. We left because of schooling for the kids. With kid# 2 in grade 11, and the eldest already in college, that OSAP funding is just too handy. Proximity to options for post-secondary education is also really nice. Within a 2 hr drive radius of our home, I can think of at least 5 different universities/colleges, though I am pretty sure there are more. Long story short, we can’t abandon the reason we moved to Canada in the first place. The only other option would be for me to stay with the young ones here and send them to elementary school, and let the older ones do high school and University in Canada. That plan sucks because I’m kind of in love with my guy and would miss him too much.

So, in 10 days, away we will go, and I’m gonna miss being here.

I’m gonna miss how every time I go to the grocery store, bank, or pretty much anywhere, I run into someone that I haven’t seen in ages. I’ve bumped into old classmates, old clients, good friends, and all sorts of family. I even bumped into my class 2 primary school teacher the other day. It‘s been wonderful. The kids are constantly surprised by how many people remember me, and remember them. “Look how much the store babies have grown up,” one woman exclaimed. Store babies is what she said she always called them, and she remembers how they would always run through the aisles at our family business.

I’m gonna miss the friendly car honk people give when they stop to let you cross the street, when there are no crosswalks. The friendly hi, how are you, traffic is crazy but I will let you go by, and I hope you enjoy your day, kind of honk. I know you are thinking that i’ve read a little too much into a simple honk, but I like believe that folks are that thoughful 😁.

I’m gonna miss how most people that you encounter will tell you, or respond to, good morning, good afternoon or good night instead of just rudely staring you back in the face. Before we came down for this visit I made a point to speak to my kids about remembering their manners. Sure enough, my brother had a conversation with my mother, just 2 weeks into our visit, about how the younger 3 seem to have none. No manners, the shame I tell you.

I’m gonna miss all the free fresh fruit. My dad loved gardening and we had lots of mangoes this year because of all the trees on the property. We had guineps as well, though not as much. In Canada we have one cherry tree, and it didn’t give us a single cherry this year. The truth is I’m not sure if it will ever bear again since it got damaged last winter.

I’m gonna miss the beaches (duh), and the steamy hot weather, believe it or not. I’m not going to miss feeling sweaty all the time though 😁.

I’m gonna miss the music. No pop, rock, or country playing as you walk through the grocery stores, just reggae, calypso, soca or dancehall. I don’t know if it was because of the festival celebration, but it was good to hear. It was honestly hard not to dance down the aisles as I shopped.

This one is a big one. I’m gonna miss the feeling of belonging. I’m gonna miss being one of the majority. When we moved to the little farming town of Listowel, Ontario in 2015, it was not often that I would see any other black or brown-skinned people. 8 years later, things are becoming more diverse so it’s getting better, but it’s still a far cry from seeing black and brown at every turn. I never gave much thought to what it would be like being in the minority before I moved. Growing up, the white kids generally went to a separate school, and I always assumed it was because their parents didn’t want them to integrate or socialize with the locals. Now I realize there was a lot more to it. It’s intimidating being one in a 100, and there is comfort when you are with others that share your commonalities and culture. Once you are a minority, whether a black person in a community of whites, or vice versa (the case on my island), you will be subject to stares, glares, taunts, compliments, and lots of questions. You will stick out, and for a lot of people, myself included, it can be hard.

Most of all, as you can imagine, I am going to miss my family. Yes, there is Skype and WhatsApp but it’s not the same as being in the room. I’ve been rooming with my mum for the last 5 weeks, and my brother is right next door. I see my sisters and brothers every day and it has been great. How do I go back to Skype?

I don’t think I can. I realize that I need to try and make the best of the 10 days that are left, but more importantly, I need to figure out how to make copious amounts of money so that we can afford to visit more often. Easier said than done with the cost of feeding 6 kids, but I am determined to figure it out.

My niece has suggested foot photography. I have a camera, and I have feet so why not . They aren’t cute, but they have character so let’s give it a go 😁.