My Battle with Anxiety

I am a photographer. I love photography because it gives me a creative outlet that works, even though I struggle with being legitimately creative. I struggle with the creation of art from scratch, and though I am quite sure I am capable of doing it, there is a block in my mind. I feel it whenever I decide to take the plunge and start a drawing, painting, or anything similar. There is blankness, a wall of emptiness and doubt separating me from my creative thought. It confronts me with questions I can’t answer; what should I draw, where should I start, and how will it work out? So, I usually quit before I even really get started. I can feel my creativity close by, behind the wall, yearning and trying to burst out, but years of self-doubt have done their job of fortifying the wall. I often wonder if I drink myself into incoherence, and then try to create something, would it work? Would shutting my brain down with alcohol melt away the wall of doubt that is keeping me from creating? I am going to try it someday, and blog about it, so stay tuned. 😁.

In the meantime, photography is a kind of wormhole that lets me tap into that creative space if only just a little. I don’t need to be in my full creative capacity to be a photographer, because the art is already out there. I just have to be ready and equipped to capture it when it shows up.

Photography is such a technical craft. You tweak the setting on your camera in ways that allow you to capture the beauty around you. The way that you tweak your camera makes that photo your own, and it expresses that moment through your eyes. Yes, in this day and age a lot of creative edits can be made in post-production instead of on the fly, but I think that’s fine. Whatever media or method allows you to express yourself and portray a moment the way you felt it, should be welcomed!

As much as I love photography, I fight a constant battle against anxiety which makes moving forward to be a full-on photographer difficult. For example:

I can be a fly on the wall and take candid shots. However, I struggle with posed sessions and shoots. The thought of directing clients, telling them what to do and where to stand heightens my anxiety.

I can do sessions once they are free, however, the moment a session becomes a paid affair, anxiety sets in. Questions like, will I do a good enough job for my client, will they be happy with the photos, will I mess up the session. It becomes all about “Am I Good Enough” to be charging a fee for my service, and in the moments before a session I always feel like I am not.

I can photograph strangers without a problem. However, I usually cannot muster the courage to ask them for model releases so that I can add them to my online portfolio. My social butterfly of a husband Jamie usually helps me out in these situations.

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Anxiety is hard to manage, and it has gotten the better of me in the past. There was one shameful incident where I used the excuse of being sick to get out of a session because I was on the verge of having a complete meltdown. Things are a little better now that I’ve gotten older. I realize more and more that situations don’t need to be perfect. It’s good to have high standards, but putting the standard too high puts me in a mental position that creates that high anxiety. Even with that knowledge in mind, it’s still difficult. As I sit here writing this post, the thought of actually publishing and sharing it so that others can read it elicits a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I try to veto the major activities that give me the most anxiety. With photography it’s posed sessions, and grand events that involve a lot of people, like weddings. I know the income from doing more of these sessions would help out our household, but I can’t convince myself that it’s worth the mental stress, at least not yet. I am working towards it. Right now, I am running. My online stock photography portfolio allows me to photograph what I want and make some money without the stress. I know that I would make more if I diversified my portfolio by photographing people other than friends and family, but that makes me anxious. I am surviving by avoiding the anxiety, instead of thriving by overcoming it. I know I need to overcome it.

The funny thing is my anxiety is usually fine after an event or session. It builds and builds prior to it, but when I get home and I sit down to edit my work I find myself relaxing, and smiling, and enjoying the results.

I’ve decided to make an active effort to try harder in my battle. I have agreed to photograph a good friend’s event that is coming up, but I already feel the tendrils of anxiety creeping in. Her being my friend helps because it’s easy to photograph the people you love, especially during happy occasions, but the thought of posed family photographs has me stressing a little. I’ve decided to journal my feelings as the event gets nearer, note my state of mind on the day of, and then evaluate my feelings after the event. It will be nice to see the progression, and it lets me set a kind of anxiety baseline so that as I try different anti-anxiety techniques I can measure any real progress.

And that’s my truth. Yes, I may seem cool and confident, but now you know a bit of what lurks in my head. I relaize that my social anxiety may have a lot to do with my introverted personality, and my performance anxiety with my need for perfection, but I am trying my best to control it. The struggle is real. If anyone has any good suggestions that can help my effort, I would love to hear them in the comments 😊.

Can I do this…I think I can.